5.05.2015

about today


I keep telling myself that, tomorrow, I'll sit down and write. I keep whispering promises that, soon, I will push past the wall that has risen between my thoughts and my fingers and write something incredibly profound. Something that will halt footsteps, and put a hazy gleam in the eyes that wander across my words. I keep waiting for the relentless tide of poetry and the cascading river of music to return to my mind in a wave, flowing, tingling, through my fingers. I keep waiting for my todays to suddenly be more than what they are.

I keep telling myself to be patient, I keep waiting for it. But here is the truth.

Today was ordinary. Today was okay. Today, I didn't drink enough water, and as a result, had a headache while I was poring over my GED book, squinting, because my glasses prescription is 3 years outdated, and because the contacts I got last year don't work well for me and also because I'm too lazy to put them in everyday. Today, my left knee suddenly decided it was only going to straighten with the accompanying pain that usually follows a long hike, despite the fact that I only walked a mile. (Yesterday.)

Today, I felt like maybe I was rising above the wave of expectations I have raised so far above my head, because, today, I actually accomplished something. It wasn't a mile marker, but it was something, and yet, I can't figure out why I still feel like I'm drowning, flailing in the billows and whirlpools I've created for myself. What was once second nature has become unfamiliar, what I once thought was forever has proved to be sandstone, crumbling under the heavy hand of time and the change that life brings to us all, with or without our consent - and sometimes, even without our knowledge.

Writing has been hard for me lately. My music feels repetitive, as if I am simply playing in circles, forgetting the last composed lines of music until my fingers find the keys again. Those very words - writing has been hard - feel so, so wrong. Writing is the one thing that has always come easily to me, something as natural as that gasping breath that pulls life into your lungs after you come up from under a swell, as familiar as a loved voice reverberating in the shadows of a dream. I bleed onto paper, my soul's blood becoming legible in black ink, becoming tangible, transferring a piece of who I am onto something that can be held in a feather-light grasp.

There is a certain groove my words should fit in, a niche that I discovered after a few thousand struggling sentences, a place where I found comfort, where the words flowed as naturally as a mountain stream in the rocky riverbed where it has always belonged. I am trying to find that again, trying to work through the roadblocks and the discouragement and the weariness that becomes a part of anyone who tries. I am trying to let myself be where I am without feeling like I'm never doing enough, never being enough.

I am trying, learning to be okay with where I am, without settling for stagnancy. Moving forward and learning acceptance and contentedness is a balancing act, but then, I suppose most of life is. Sometimes, there are no wise words to speak, sometimes all songs sound the same, sometimes the faces of those we love only bring us pain, sometimes the most mundane, ordinary day is a process of searching for the missing pieces of a broken puzzle, and realizing that you won't always be able to put it back together. Sometimes, days are just "okay", and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

8 comments:

  1. You and me, we're in the same boat. I'm mostly in a blog slump with design and transition. Sheesh, it's so overwhelming. "Writing is the one thing that has always come easily to me, something as natural as that gasping breath that pulls life into your lungs after you come up from under a swell, as familiar as a loved voice reverberating in the shadows of a dream." YES. So why is it so hard to do it just now?

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  2. Oh my. That was so beautiful. Thank you so much for writing that! <3 I've been feeling the same way lately. I've had a lot of "okay" days recently. Some have been even less than "okay". It's nice to know that I'm not alone. ♥

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  3. I needed this. this was amazing.

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  4. YAASSS so relatable; I've been feeling the same way recently. We can pull through together. (:

    Also, your descriptions are beautiful.

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  5. whoa. this created a wonderful feeling in my soul

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  6. Man, preach girl. I could just see your fingers on firing flowing over those keys! This was wonderful. And you're so right, it's the worst when you hit a creative rut. Why is it so hard to make art some days? And others are just full of gems? This resonated with me, especially this line: "Sometimes all songs sound the same." Keep writing. This blog post was on point!

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  7. oh man. hello. holy mackerel.
    though i must say that i'm in the EXACT SAME spot right now (it's like you've been in my thoughts) i also have to say that this writing slump hasn't stopped you from putting out pretty words like this.

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  8. "What was once second nature has become unfamiliar, what I once thought was forever has proved to be sandstone, crumbling under the heavy hand of time and the change that life brings to us all, with or without our consent - and sometimes, even without our knowledge."

    I feel like that is one of the biggest things I've learned since graduating. Which led me to realize why Christ is called the Rock of our Salvation. There were things from my childhood that I thought would remain stable...as they did for many years, but now I realize that they weren't meant to last forever. Their essence will carry on, but they look different- feel different.
    But Christ- He is stable and unchanging. Always the same, and rather- getting better the more I get to know Him.
    Oh how I love this little corner of the internet!! <3 Your blog has come such a long way...and I'm so glad I found it!!
    Keep writing for Him!! :)

    `Jenny

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thanks for commenting, and sharing some love. ♥